I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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