Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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