she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
