I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
