I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
