Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
