And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
