Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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