Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
