Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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