I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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