I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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