A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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