I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
