My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
