I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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