If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
