I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
