She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
