I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
