remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
