Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
