I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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