My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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