Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
