walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
