when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
