just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
