Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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