so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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