we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
