Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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