umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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