Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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