When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
