I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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