I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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