I faked an abortion last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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