MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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