my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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