So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
