Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
