i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
