Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
