do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
