Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
