Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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