How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
