franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
