I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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