Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
